I never earned to be loved by a man like you

Dear Romeo, oh my love

Loving someone from a distance is not the easiest thing (as you wouldn't know that). So often I have felt the urge to pick up the phone and just call you, wanting to share good news, wanting your support, or just needing – yes, needing – to hear your voice.

At times I've felt as just being able to hear you breathing at the end of the line would be enough, do you know what I mean?

Oh, my love, dear Romeo, I try to stay strong, I really do.

Sometimes I feel I have locked away all of my love, all of my passion, just to spend it all on you when it's our time. I know that is not what you want to hear, I know you want me to live fully even without you. But that is how I do it, kind of like not letting the flame grow too much, because I want to be able to experience all - like it'd be for the first time – together with you.

And knowing that is not what you want, I on some weak days think, is it because you are not sure we'll ever get to experience that love, that passion together? Is that why you want me to live, feel and experience fully, even now that we are apart? Or are you really that unselfish, that warmhearted as I so much think you are?

Because I will have to admit to another weakness of mine: I wish for you to experience all fully when we are together, and I desperately want for you to feel, before that happens, that something is truly missing, that the one thing missing is me – us.

Oh my love. There are more paradoxes to me. You have made me a selfish person – or better yet – I've become a selfish person from loving you. I do my best to be honest with you – because I think there's no other way when it comes to love. At the same time I feel I shouldn't be, because so often I still feel I never earned your love, I never earned to be loved by a man like you. And that makes me feel I shouldn't be too true, afraid that will drive you further. Away from me.

Oh Romeo, fire of my heart, I am afraid. I am afraid that if I so much as breath, you will be gone, we will never get to the point of sharing our love, our passion. If I so much as think about it, it'll all be gone.

I apologize for my weakness, or should I say honesty, and I hope I still am a star on your nightly sky.

XXXXXX J

Not even your love

My love, oh Romeo

Today I have spent hours behind closed eyelids. Trying to remember how your touch felt that day, trying to feel the scent of your skin.

At times it is hard to remember - and it might even be, that I in my mind have created memories that are not based on reality, but my imagination. Today was wonderful, yet terrible. I let my fingers move gently on my skin, up and down, brushing the thin hairs on my arm, my neck, the palm of my hand. Oh, dearest Romeo, my love, the imagination of a woman can be so kind. I felt like being in your arms, I even felt your breath on my neck, I swear!

Then again, opening my eyes and facing reality - that you are not here and nor do I know if you'll ever be - made me feel like being crushed under a mountain. Longing for you is so enjoyable, and so heartbreaking at the same time.

At times I feel that even the smallest hope of us together would fuel me to last for a lifetime anticipating that magical moment. At times, again, I feel not even the thought of your love burning can keep me alive if you're not here.

I feel so much the sense of belonging, and at the same time I feel so alone. Romeo, my love, how will we survive?

Please tell me, are you agonized like me? Are you twisting and turning every night like me? Reaching out for ghosts during dark hours? Am I the only one of the two of us that can't fight this restlessness?

I hope that you won't see me weakening before your eyes when reading these words. Maybe tomorrow flowers of spring will bloom and their beauty will give me the peace I need in my heart.

XXXXX J