Not even your love

My love, oh Romeo

Today I have spent hours behind closed eyelids. Trying to remember how your touch felt that day, trying to feel the scent of your skin.

At times it is hard to remember - and it might even be, that I in my mind have created memories that are not based on reality, but my imagination. Today was wonderful, yet terrible. I let my fingers move gently on my skin, up and down, brushing the thin hairs on my arm, my neck, the palm of my hand. Oh, dearest Romeo, my love, the imagination of a woman can be so kind. I felt like being in your arms, I even felt your breath on my neck, I swear!

Then again, opening my eyes and facing reality - that you are not here and nor do I know if you'll ever be - made me feel like being crushed under a mountain. Longing for you is so enjoyable, and so heartbreaking at the same time.

At times I feel that even the smallest hope of us together would fuel me to last for a lifetime anticipating that magical moment. At times, again, I feel not even the thought of your love burning can keep me alive if you're not here.

I feel so much the sense of belonging, and at the same time I feel so alone. Romeo, my love, how will we survive?

Please tell me, are you agonized like me? Are you twisting and turning every night like me? Reaching out for ghosts during dark hours? Am I the only one of the two of us that can't fight this restlessness?

I hope that you won't see me weakening before your eyes when reading these words. Maybe tomorrow flowers of spring will bloom and their beauty will give me the peace I need in my heart.

XXXXX J