Not at this moment

My dear Romeo, my sweet love

I must admit, that my heart feels the shock of your silence. Your silence that was needed to be broken, more than ever, during these days. Couldn't you see the need of you affirming your love for me after my letter? Couldn't you feel my emptiness?

Your silence, to me, is a sign of insecurity. Of your feelings for me. Where were the "my love, don't fall into despair, I do love you", the "Her touch makes me ache because it reminds me of the lack of yours"? I needed that, but I didn't get it. And Romeo, my sweet, sweet love, that broke my soul. I heard the pieces fall to the ground and shatter.

And it makes me admit to something, not to hurt you, but to let you know, that I need to have a leading star to follow, a dream of love ahead of me, to hold on to during dark nights. If you won't give me that, I will have to look for it somewhere else.

I admit. I met up with someone else. Just to see if anyone else could make me feel. And my dear love, he did. And even though it lead to nothing much (How could I be ready for the touch of anyone else?), it did lead to something valuable. I did see, that my heart, if there's a need, will be able to wake up to other rays of light, than the ones you radiate. I did feel, that another man could start a storm in my heart, just as you do.

I also felt the value of myself. As a woman. As a loving soul. I felt what I was, was enough, and who I was, was special. That came through, from the deep waters of my soul, despite the feelings of anxiety that your distance so often has brought up on me. The anxiety of being second best, the one that ultimately will not be chosen.

My love. My source of life. I do not tell you this out of anger. Out of disrespect for what you have to deal with. For what we are and have been. But out of love. I tell you, so that you can feel assured that I will not be left without love, if you choose me not. Out of love, I will understand, as much as it will, for some time, rip life out of me.

My love, more than ever I am yours.

XXXXX J

I saw you with her and my heart stopped

My dear Romeo, my love

I must admit, I saw you with HER two weeks ago, and my heart stopped. I do not know yet if it has started to take up its pace again, but I feel it still is not beating.

I know she doesn't change your love for me, but still - seeing her with you, holding your hand like I wanted to, seeing her looking at you like I would, seeing you turn to her and smile...Oh my dearest, dearest love, I do not know if I can do this anymore. I feel I will never be able to wash away that sight from my eyes. I close them and she's there, touching you, I open them and she's there, looking at you with love.

The truth is, she loves you. And the truth is, I'm not sure my love would be anything different. The truth is, our distance, the sometimes weeks lasting silence between us, the ache in my chest from missing you, the terrifying moments at night when I feel so alone, just because you are not in my arms, the clouds that cover the sun, the minutes that are longer and longer in await of hearing from you, seeing you, touching you again - all of those and the darkness that now spreads within my heart has a face. It's hers.

I love you forever, but for now, with pain.

XXXXX J