Not at this moment

My dear Romeo, my sweet love

I must admit, that my heart feels the shock of your silence. Your silence that was needed to be broken, more than ever, during these days. Couldn't you see the need of you affirming your love for me after my letter? Couldn't you feel my emptiness?

Your silence, to me, is a sign of insecurity. Of your feelings for me. Where were the "my love, don't fall into despair, I do love you", the "Her touch makes me ache because it reminds me of the lack of yours"? I needed that, but I didn't get it. And Romeo, my sweet, sweet love, that broke my soul. I heard the pieces fall to the ground and shatter.

And it makes me admit to something, not to hurt you, but to let you know, that I need to have a leading star to follow, a dream of love ahead of me, to hold on to during dark nights. If you won't give me that, I will have to look for it somewhere else.

I admit. I met up with someone else. Just to see if anyone else could make me feel. And my dear love, he did. And even though it lead to nothing much (How could I be ready for the touch of anyone else?), it did lead to something valuable. I did see, that my heart, if there's a need, will be able to wake up to other rays of light, than the ones you radiate. I did feel, that another man could start a storm in my heart, just as you do.

I also felt the value of myself. As a woman. As a loving soul. I felt what I was, was enough, and who I was, was special. That came through, from the deep waters of my soul, despite the feelings of anxiety that your distance so often has brought up on me. The anxiety of being second best, the one that ultimately will not be chosen.

My love. My source of life. I do not tell you this out of anger. Out of disrespect for what you have to deal with. For what we are and have been. But out of love. I tell you, so that you can feel assured that I will not be left without love, if you choose me not. Out of love, I will understand, as much as it will, for some time, rip life out of me.

My love, more than ever I am yours.

XXXXX J