There is no easy way

Dear Romeo, my deepest love

You are an ocean to me. An ocean filled with all the love in my heart, all the chambers of my soul, all of my thoughts, all of my words, all of my dreams, all of my breaths. You are everything to me. In fact, you are as well many of my sufferings, the grand part of my fears, all of my insecurity, all of the darkness in my soul.

My dear love. You are my everything. And I can't be on hold anymore.

I have fought a lifetime, I feel, to get to the place where the two of us are one. I can't see us coming any closer to that, as hard as I try. I have hoped and I have dreamed, I have been optimistic, wishful, anticipating. But we just don't arrive. My love. You are the love of my life and I am ready to risk the losing of you, of feeling alone for the days that will build up the rest of my life.

It will kill me, I know. Just the thought of even saying it aloud tears me apart. I can feel it ripping in my chest, the notion of not having you.

I will forever love you. But please know that I am no longer in wait. I might be alone for the rest of my days, but at least I will not be alone and awaiting the release of someone else.

When you are ready, I might still be here for you. To love you, to hold you, to build up and live the dream of a life together, a family, a home where our two souls can get tangled in love, in joy, in respect.

I will always love you, you know that, but there might also be a chance that when you're ready, I won't be here anymore. Then you will need to find your content in the certainty of being loved by me, but not sharing a life, a family, a home.

My dearest love. I too thought we would be. I cannot bare to say even at this point, that we won't. Isn't is strange how saying a thing aloud could jeopardize the outcome? I will, however, say it today. I am no longer on hold for you, for your life's path to cross mine. If it at some point will, we will find even more joy in that and say "it was clearly meant to be".

My dearest love. I am sorry. I am still here for you, as I know you will for me.

J

Not at this moment

My dear Romeo, my sweet love

I must admit, that my heart feels the shock of your silence. Your silence that was needed to be broken, more than ever, during these days. Couldn't you see the need of you affirming your love for me after my letter? Couldn't you feel my emptiness?

Your silence, to me, is a sign of insecurity. Of your feelings for me. Where were the "my love, don't fall into despair, I do love you", the "Her touch makes me ache because it reminds me of the lack of yours"? I needed that, but I didn't get it. And Romeo, my sweet, sweet love, that broke my soul. I heard the pieces fall to the ground and shatter.

And it makes me admit to something, not to hurt you, but to let you know, that I need to have a leading star to follow, a dream of love ahead of me, to hold on to during dark nights. If you won't give me that, I will have to look for it somewhere else.

I admit. I met up with someone else. Just to see if anyone else could make me feel. And my dear love, he did. And even though it lead to nothing much (How could I be ready for the touch of anyone else?), it did lead to something valuable. I did see, that my heart, if there's a need, will be able to wake up to other rays of light, than the ones you radiate. I did feel, that another man could start a storm in my heart, just as you do.

I also felt the value of myself. As a woman. As a loving soul. I felt what I was, was enough, and who I was, was special. That came through, from the deep waters of my soul, despite the feelings of anxiety that your distance so often has brought up on me. The anxiety of being second best, the one that ultimately will not be chosen.

My love. My source of life. I do not tell you this out of anger. Out of disrespect for what you have to deal with. For what we are and have been. But out of love. I tell you, so that you can feel assured that I will not be left without love, if you choose me not. Out of love, I will understand, as much as it will, for some time, rip life out of me.

My love, more than ever I am yours.

XXXXX J

I saw you with her and my heart stopped

My dear Romeo, my love

I must admit, I saw you with HER two weeks ago, and my heart stopped. I do not know yet if it has started to take up its pace again, but I feel it still is not beating.

I know she doesn't change your love for me, but still - seeing her with you, holding your hand like I wanted to, seeing her looking at you like I would, seeing you turn to her and smile...Oh my dearest, dearest love, I do not know if I can do this anymore. I feel I will never be able to wash away that sight from my eyes. I close them and she's there, touching you, I open them and she's there, looking at you with love.

The truth is, she loves you. And the truth is, I'm not sure my love would be anything different. The truth is, our distance, the sometimes weeks lasting silence between us, the ache in my chest from missing you, the terrifying moments at night when I feel so alone, just because you are not in my arms, the clouds that cover the sun, the minutes that are longer and longer in await of hearing from you, seeing you, touching you again - all of those and the darkness that now spreads within my heart has a face. It's hers.

I love you forever, but for now, with pain.

XXXXX J

Slowly returning to be my own person

Dear Romeo, oh my love

Life has been hectic the past days and weeks, and I have barely had time to even think about you. Sorry that you haven't heard from me.

Now – don't take this wrong, but right – what I'm saying next. These past weeks have felt good in a sense. Not having time to think about you has made me feel I am maybe not so needy as I thought I would be, as I was. It feels like a victory in a way, slowly returning to be my own person, and not only defining myself through the love I feel towards you. At the same time I feel I lost something, like some small piece of magic is gone from what was.

I believe you will feel both happy and sad about this. I am sure me starting to find myself again will make you feel glad – at the same time I would imagine that some insecurity about what we have will find its way into your heart at night. I'm sorry for that.

My dear Romeo, my love – my love for you is still the same, don't worry about that. And maybe now I can love you even more profoundly, as I'm finally again feeling that I can stand on my own two feet without needing to lean on you in every moment. Let's hope that is a good sign.

XXXXX J

I never earned to be loved by a man like you

Dear Romeo, oh my love

Loving someone from a distance is not the easiest thing (as you wouldn't know that). So often I have felt the urge to pick up the phone and just call you, wanting to share good news, wanting your support, or just needing – yes, needing – to hear your voice.

At times I've felt as just being able to hear you breathing at the end of the line would be enough, do you know what I mean?

Oh, my love, dear Romeo, I try to stay strong, I really do.

Sometimes I feel I have locked away all of my love, all of my passion, just to spend it all on you when it's our time. I know that is not what you want to hear, I know you want me to live fully even without you. But that is how I do it, kind of like not letting the flame grow too much, because I want to be able to experience all - like it'd be for the first time – together with you.

And knowing that is not what you want, I on some weak days think, is it because you are not sure we'll ever get to experience that love, that passion together? Is that why you want me to live, feel and experience fully, even now that we are apart? Or are you really that unselfish, that warmhearted as I so much think you are?

Because I will have to admit to another weakness of mine: I wish for you to experience all fully when we are together, and I desperately want for you to feel, before that happens, that something is truly missing, that the one thing missing is me – us.

Oh my love. There are more paradoxes to me. You have made me a selfish person – or better yet – I've become a selfish person from loving you. I do my best to be honest with you – because I think there's no other way when it comes to love. At the same time I feel I shouldn't be, because so often I still feel I never earned your love, I never earned to be loved by a man like you. And that makes me feel I shouldn't be too true, afraid that will drive you further. Away from me.

Oh Romeo, fire of my heart, I am afraid. I am afraid that if I so much as breath, you will be gone, we will never get to the point of sharing our love, our passion. If I so much as think about it, it'll all be gone.

I apologize for my weakness, or should I say honesty, and I hope I still am a star on your nightly sky.

XXXXXX J

Not even your love

My love, oh Romeo

Today I have spent hours behind closed eyelids. Trying to remember how your touch felt that day, trying to feel the scent of your skin.

At times it is hard to remember - and it might even be, that I in my mind have created memories that are not based on reality, but my imagination. Today was wonderful, yet terrible. I let my fingers move gently on my skin, up and down, brushing the thin hairs on my arm, my neck, the palm of my hand. Oh, dearest Romeo, my love, the imagination of a woman can be so kind. I felt like being in your arms, I even felt your breath on my neck, I swear!

Then again, opening my eyes and facing reality - that you are not here and nor do I know if you'll ever be - made me feel like being crushed under a mountain. Longing for you is so enjoyable, and so heartbreaking at the same time.

At times I feel that even the smallest hope of us together would fuel me to last for a lifetime anticipating that magical moment. At times, again, I feel not even the thought of your love burning can keep me alive if you're not here.

I feel so much the sense of belonging, and at the same time I feel so alone. Romeo, my love, how will we survive?

Please tell me, are you agonized like me? Are you twisting and turning every night like me? Reaching out for ghosts during dark hours? Am I the only one of the two of us that can't fight this restlessness?

I hope that you won't see me weakening before your eyes when reading these words. Maybe tomorrow flowers of spring will bloom and their beauty will give me the peace I need in my heart.

XXXXX J